Friday 22 November 2013

What just happened?

Well, that was weird. Twice in the past two weeks the Boy and Girl have managed to verbally back me into a corner. Then tonight...  Well, we'll come to that in a moment.

First of all was the Boy,  who came out with this nugget about Armistice Day;

"So you're saying that a lot of soldiers died so that we're free to say whatever we want, and to remember them we're not allowed to speak for two minutes? Well that makes sense."

Then, in an effort to get the Girl to call me Fiona again, I asked her in front of some friends;

"Girl, if you were a dog, and I was the person that owned you, what would you call me?"

*As if to an imbecile* "Woof."

Well, that told me.

So just as I'm starting to think the Kids are becoming rational little people, we come to that point on a Friday when they're both tired and emotional. As they were getting changed into their pyjamas the Girl - up until this point quite cheery - suddenly burst into tears.

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

"What's the matter Girl?"

"I'm going to miss you when you're dead!"

"Whu-? You what?"

"Your going to die in a hundred years and I'm going to miss you! "

"I'm not going to love for another hundred years, Girl..."

"WAAAAAAAAH!"

"Well, that was the wrong thing to say, eh, Boy? WHY ARE YOU CRYING? "

"Because you're going to die soon!"

"Soon?"

I mean honestly, what the hell?

Friday 8 November 2013

Effin and Jeffin

About five million years ago, humans invented thumbs. Initially we used them to thumb our noses a "lower" species and say, in a series of grunts and whistles;

"Look! I'm Fonzi! Eeeeeyyyyyyy"

Then we realised that opposable thumbs were very useful (save for Millwall fans, who thought they looked poncy, and members of the Westboro Baptist Church who thought they were made from Satan's nipples). We used them to make tools. Tools, it turned out, were very useful things as well, as you can tell by their name; "tools" which is derived from the Latin word "Toolus" meaning "tool" (I'm a bit out of my depth here).

Since then we've used our thumbs and our tools to invent all manner of excellent things, such as neutron bombs and turkey twirlers. So you'd think the Girl would be a little more grateful than to say,  as we travelled to her swimming lesson;

"I don't like thumbs. They're like fingers only shorter, fatter and rubbish. "
"What do you like then?"

She shrugged, noncomittally and replied;

"Eyebrows are alright."
"I like winkles!"
"Shut up, Boy. "

The swimming lesson was its usual blend of sweating, trying to find a seat and narrowly avoiding falling in the pool. The Boy went first, swam well for ten minutes and then, having put on a pair of flippers, raced the length of the pool, crashed into the side and sank without trace. He returned a moment later, grinning and blearily yelling;

"That was OSSOME!"

Meanwhile the Girl have me a running list of reasons of why she didn't want to have her swimming lesson which included; "Fish poo" and "I've got burps."

Eventually the Kids switched places and once the Boy had got dressed twice-

"Take your pants off your head and FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP FIDDLING WITH THAT!"

-I have him my phone so he could play Bad Piggies.

"Oh,  man!"
"What?"
"I can't get off this level."

I took the phone off him, and spent five minutes comprehensively falling to beat the bloody thing.

"I give up. You have it."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. I'm not very good at that game. "
"Yeah, you fucking loser."

There was a very, very long pause.

"What. Did. You. Say?"

The Boy showed his usual ability to read the time of a situation and said;

"That you're a fucking loser."

Without looking up from the phone.

"A-abuh.. Buh.. Buh... Whu-"

I said, which improved the situation immeasurably. Eventually I manged to regain enough composure to give him the talk about that word.

"Where did you learn that word?"
"In school."
"I'm not convinced its on the curriculum, kiddo. Who taught you it? "
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to kill the little shit. "