Today My Boy Said
A practical guide on how to survive children
Thursday, 2 April 2020
Sick
Wednesday, 17 October 2018
Back to Scratch
To make a long, dull and frankly humourless story short, the Wife and I have parted.
There we are, it's said. But a public facing blog isn't the place to air my dirty laundry, so I won't go into details. Suffice to say the blog will continue, as the Boy and Girl remain fully part of my life as the Ex and I coparent.
This blog will now be for single dads, because there are a lot of us. For all those dads scratching their heads, wondering what to do next, and wondering how they went from building an awesome Lego robot ninja, to being soley responsible for two fully functioning sociopaths half of the week.
The Bin Lids appear to be largely unscathed by the current situation and dealing with it pretty well, albeit with somewhat different priorities to me:
"Yay! Two Christmases!"
"Carrots."
"...artery."
x
"The other day we had a class discussion about what they want to be when they grow up and the Girl said 'Mass murderer'."
Laughter, apparently, was not the right response. The teacher pressed on:
"She has also been talking about how she enjoys cutting things up."
I looked at the Girl.
"What did you mean?"
The teacher then suggested that she could have an exercise book to write her thoughts and feelings into, which brought me in mind of this...
Teachers, it turns out, have no sense of humour about these things.
The Boy being the Boy, doesn't really appear to have noticed, possibly because they haven't brought out a Minecraft mod about it. He's been focussed on his school work, which given his predilection for bursting into flames when asked to do his homework is disturbing in it's own right. It's had the knock on effect though with the Girl cheerfully relaying to a friend of mine
"At school the Boy put his finger up a pigs ar..."
"...."
Thank the maker.
The good news is then, on the Kids front things haven't really changed, which explains why the Girl threw a wobbler about some awful task she'd been given...
"Could you pick that sock up, darling?"
...and kicked me in the face. Normality reigns.
Oh, look. The Girl's brought me a cardboard box with a present in it...
Thursday, 19 July 2018
All Good Things
Then, three weeks ago we found out the cat had stomach cancer.
Thursday, 26 January 2017
Nuts
A couple of weeks ago the Girl had a major meltdown. This was unlike her usual meltdowns, because it didn't end in bloodshed. Instead she became all wobbly and emotional because the Boy got her a drink.
That was it. He brought her a drink of juice, and she wigged out, burst into tears and decided to send herself to bed.
"Uh, oh..." the Wife said.
"What?"
"She's getting hormonal."
I thought about this carefully for a moment, because it's always good to be calm and considered at times like that. After a picosecond of consideration, I gave my verdict.
"No! NO! She's not allowed to get hormonal until you've done that menopause thing because I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!"
I then excused myself and went to bed. It was six thirty.
Today I picked the Kids up from school and once we'd got home and I'd spent a few minutes shouting "Door!", "Shoes!", "Bags!" and the like the Boy said to me
"We had a really interesting lesson today at school."
"Righto." I replied, eyeing a bottle of wine on the table and trying to figure out how long I had to leave it alone before it wasn't classed as middle-class alcoholism.
"It was about puberty."
"Oh, REALLY? So, what did you learn, because I'm still not sure what all the bits do."
"Oh, you know. Body changes and feelings and stuff."
Annoyingly, he wasn't embarrassed. As mentioned previously, my Dad started this conversation with the words "You might be feeling randy..." and I cut him off by bailing out of a moving car. My Kids, it seems, simply cannot be trusted to react correctly.
"Well, it'll happen to you one day."
"Already has."
"No it hasn't, you're ten."
"It has. Look."
And then he showed me his penis.
I'm going to bed.
Friday, 13 January 2017
In the Midnight Hour
"BISCUITS?" |
Monday, 15 August 2016
Relationship Status
"I love Borrie boy" |
"The relashonshup me a Boris share" |
"I miss Boris" |
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
Keeping Your Spirits Level
"A stranger is just a friend I haven't made yet!" |
"Axe delivery!" |
Sunday, 17 April 2016
Eye Eye!
Monday, 1 February 2016
Woof
With two warped children, a cat, a horse, a pair of demanding full time jobs, a house that needs more work than Donald Trump's hair and a mortgage so large it could save Tokyo from Godzilla we decided our lives weren't busy enough. So we got a dog.
With the Boy aged nine and the Girl aged seven we hadn't had the thrill of collecting someone else's shit for some time, and some things are just hard to quit.
The Dog (as it will hereafter be known) was named by the children, which is why she regales in the name Lily Barcelona Long Legs Von Schtupp Van Dog For Christ's Sake Stop Pissing Under The Table. Technically the last bit isn't her name it, just gets said a lot.
The Kids are naturally over the moon. One more animal for the Girl to patronise, and for once the Boy seems to have noticed one of the pets.
"I'm starting a dogging club at school."
"DOG club. A club for dogs."
"Yeah, I'm going to call it 'Woofters'"
"Er..."
Which is not always a good thing.
"BOY!"
"Yeah, yeah. I know. 'No twerking in front of the Dog.'"
(Not to leave the Girl out of the ridiculous conversations, the following was about her godfather
"You know Uncle Andy is a waitress on a plane? Does he have to wear lipstick? "
Bless.)
And whilst there are some up sides to having a dog, there are some downsides. Such as having a squirrel in your sofa.
The other day I was sitting on the sofa with the back door open whilst the Dog was outside. As I sat there something hurtled into the room and flung itself into the air directly at my head. I have a vivid mental image of a squirrel, eyes wide, limbs splayed out, mouth almost forming the the same word I said as I ducked:
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"
It crashed into the window as the Dog came bounding into the house with a goofy look that said "Where'd my friend go?"
Having composed myself I quickly opened the windows and went to the kitchen to find a broom because apparently I live in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. I then flipped the sofa over and... nothing. It had gone. Probably via the open window.
Or so we thought until two days later when the Dog went loopy trying to get under the sofa, and then found squirrel poo on the floor next to it. Obviously we checked inside it (half expecting a crazed and now carnivorous squirrel to go into a berserk rage) but it had left the sofa, and spent a day living in the kitchen knocking everything off the windowsills. I think it has now left, but we can't be sure.
Looks like we've got another pet.
Sunday, 21 June 2015
Pop
Exhibit #1 |
"Get in the water you big Jessie." |
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Oops!
Thursdays are a ball ache. In particular because I have to take the Kids to their swimming lesson, which appears to be run by the last surviving concentration camp guards dressed as a bunch of menopausal women.
For a refreshing change of pace the Boy's swimming teacher has stopped swimming alongside the Kids whilst criticising their lack of Olympic potential. Now she sits in (or more precisely - wears) a chair and hectors them loudly from the side of the pool. So it appears even buoyancy isn't a requirement for a swimming teacher these days.
This makes me quite ragey, so today I decided to deal with it by staring angrily at the back of her head and not saying anything. It's a good job she didn't turn around because I'd have had to look somewhere else.
Exiting the swimming pool then became an intricate rage inducing maze of bovine parents with vacuous expressions standing in doorways. The Boy then turned getting changed into something akin to pushing an eel into a balloon. While every other kid in the place left fully dressed he failed to negotiate his way into a pair of pants. So I did the parent-wanting-to-shout-at-child-in-public thing by giving him a wide eyed silent snarl that promised lots of shouting later. This would have worked admirably if he'd been paying bloody attention.
So the shouting happened outside. I stomped off to the car, the Kids dawdling in my furious wake. Instead of getting in the car, they started having a fight.
Dear reader, I'm not proud of what happened next for reasons that will become immediately obvious. I must have been thinking of Withnail and I when an emotional ketchup burst came out and I yelled;
Several points to make here.
1. I have a car
2. I was standing next to a school
3. There was, on the other side of the road, a man mowing the lawn who actually stopped to look at me
4. The Girl burst into tears and then, crucially, cried:
"I WANT MY MUMMY!"
On the up side I managed to get a wheel spin out of my twelve year old diesel dustbin. Plus the Girl (who is vegetarian) dropped her guts* in the car so pungently I nearly hit a lamp post.
* farted
Saturday, 2 May 2015
Clarse
I'm writing this during the Kids interminable Saturday morning athletics class in an effort to have somewhere to put my eyes. I rue the invention of Lycra, particularly because the athletics instructors fit into one of two categories: very fit or bizarrely immense. Either way, when they start demonstrating squat thrusts or lunges right in front of me the effect is the same - my eyes try to get out of my ear.
Athletics is only one of many extracurricular activities the Kids are signed up for. Earlier this week the Boy had a social engagement for which I was his designated driver. Last year he joined the cubs, which strangely he seems to enjoy in a totally unqualified manner. I say "strangely" because you often find him saying things like;
"I love playing Lego, but I wonder if it might be a bit dangerous. "
"Yes, it's right up there with using a rectal thermometer on a crocodile."
Anyway, his social engagment was something called a "Gang Show", which I assume wasn't run by the Bush Boys. I dropped him off outside the local theatre and was chatting with Akela when he notice that I had a lot of blood on my thumb.
"Industrial injury? "
Now, I could have said that I'd cut myself building a log cabin, or that I'd caught it on my lathe, or that it was a shark attack. Because as a man I will occasionally be sparse with the truth if I think it might postpone someone's inevitable realisation that I am, when all is said and done, a complete tool. However, I went with;
"I was zesting a lemon. "
Which is about the most middle class injury you can get aside from getting a paper cut from your copy of the English Language version of Le Monde Diplomatique.
Plus - I've never zested a lemon in my life. I actually did it grating a carrot whilst making coleslaw. And why was I making coleslaw? Because we're too cheapskate to buy it from the supermarket.
Naturally the response to my reply was a long silence, followed by:
"Oh."
I don't know why I'm trying to convince people I'm middle class. I'm about as middle class as a string vest or a pack of 20 Rothmans. I'm sitting in a sports hall in the rougher end of town and my Kids are the least well dressed here. In fact they look like they're going to tarmac someone's drive. And there's nothing wrong with that. I should embrace my working class heritage. So I will do that back by sitting back and reading the paper.
Saturday, 21 February 2015
Buffoon
Once again I'm away from the family on a business trip. This time I'm at an international conference at which I'm due to give a presentation to delegates from Europe, Africa and North America on a very weighty subject. This seems remarkably foolhardy on the part of my employers as only yesterday I found myself utterly foozled by the simple fact that the Wife has the same surname as me.
We are all, at heart, the children we once were. I suspect that even Stalin wondered how he'd got from a small boy in Georgia to the most feared man in the world. Shortly before polishing Hitler's skull no doubt
I realise I've just compared myself to Stalin.
Moving on...
It doesn't feel like thirty years since I was asking questions like this, from the Girl:
"Mummy, when are we going to Denmark?"
"What? "
"When are we going to Denmark? No, not Denmark. Where did you say we were going?"
"Southend. *"
Or, as my Dad always like to recall, the day I asked:
"How many commandments are there in the Ten Commandments? "
The correct answer is eleven, by the way. The last one is the most important: Thoult Shall Not Get Caught.
Still, at least he only told everyone he met about that. He didn't, say, put it on the Internet.
You see, whilst the Kids can be excused their eccentricity because they're kids, my penchant for rampant buffoonery isn't as easy to shake off. I still deal with the world on the level of a six year old, so my life is a constant battle with social ineptitude.
Many years ago I was talking about this with a deeply religious friend, who in turn told me that she felt incredibly awkward talking about sex with her boyfriend because it made her feel dirty.
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you're a bit odd."
She said, not unkindly.
"And I won't tell anyone you're frigid. "
I replied in a similar tone.
Apparently that's a no-no. She used words which rhymed with " truck" and "bunt". To this day I'm still a bit baffled about her reaction. And the reaction of everyone I've told about this (normally a whistling inhale of breath and a look of disdain).
She's a nun now, by the way.
Even today I've been crippled with the fear that I'm going to look odd carrying around a packet of chocolate digestives at this conference (I'm a mad man for chocolate digestives). It's only that, by pure luck and that I found the hotel have supplied a little paper bag for such an eventuality.
And it's apparently a "sanitary" bag. So that's good.
* For those of you that live outside of the UK, Southend is like Las Vegas, only with less commitment.
Monday, 9 February 2015
Wisdom Truth
OK, I'm going to be honest, we got Netflix and frankly Breaking Bad is a bit addictive. But hey, don't have a pop at me, when did you last write to me, eh? EH?
Exactly.
Recently a friend of mine wrote quite movingly about the experiences he'd had over the course of his life so far, and how he hoped to have the opportunity to pass on his knowledge. Naturally I couldn't miss an opportunity to piss on someone's barbecue. I made the point that I'd been passing on my "wisdom" for eight years with the net result being I now had to share my house with two raving maniacs.
"Daddy? "
*With due sense if dread and resignation* "Yes?"
"Have you ever worn girls clothes?"
"Nope."
"You'd look nice in a dress."
"Thanks, Girl. "
"When we get home you could put on mummy's wedding dress and then she'd laugh when you answered the door."
"She probably wouldn't laugh."
"YOUR BOOBS WOULDN'T FIT! "
"Shut up, Boy."
For the benefit of posterity, I would look fabulous in the Wife's wedding dress. I have a lovely turn of ankle. However I'm a gentleman and it doesn't do to look better than your wife.
Last week the Boy (in his typically unwitting way) confused a friend of the mother in law to the point of apoplexy just by telling her his middle name.
"That's a nice name. "
"Yeah, it's my dad's dad's name."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, it's quite sad really, we don't get to see him much any more."
"That's a shame, why? "
"He died before I was born."
There was a time when I could come home from work put my feet up and watch some telly before the Wife came in and pointed out the washing up needed doing, the laundry was getting rained on and the house was on fire. These days I have to brace myself to ask the question
"How are the Kids?"
"The Girl is climbing the walls."
"Oh god, what is it now? Did you confiscate her throwing knives?"
"No. She's literally climbing the walls. Look."
In the living room the Girl had removed her socks and was scaling the wood surround on the wall. She climbed all the way to the ceiling, before throwing herself backwards onto the sofa. Since the Girl has the bone density of hardened steel, this ejected the cat from the sofa, who exited the room at close to light speed. It also made me have an aneurysm. Since then I've been trying to source Kryptonite on eBay.
God forbid I bother asking the Kids what they did at school. Last time I did it the Boy appeared to go into Factory Reset. We had to teach him to walk all over again.
It doesn't help that over the "festive period" I've been battling manfully with tooth ache caused by a broken wisdom tooth. Battling manfully is defined by crying in the car park outside the dentist surgery, I should add.
Dealing with my Kids when I'm happy is tough enough. Let alone when I feel like someone is hitting me in the face with a rusty shovel. I've been a bit shouty of late. The up side is that because it's tooth ache, no one can understand what I'm shouting about. So for most of Christmas the Kids treated me like that bloke at the local supermarket who shouts at the cheese. Wary incomprehension.
Still, after an emergency tooth extraction and having three fillings (one of which was so deep the dentist had to tie a rope to his feet to get back out again) I'm back to being the usual reasonable person that everybody expects me to be. Now bugger off, it's the season 4 finale.
Sunday, 23 November 2014
Pandemonium
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
Dirty Weekend
Say whaaaaaaa? |
"He's well gay!"
Spin forward five minutes later as we sat in the park wondering what the hell we'd done. Eventually, we made our way to another part of the track where the Wife and the other mum enhanced their parenting with wine.