Relationship Status

IIf there's one thing that pisses of our cat, it's our Dog. Apparently Boris the cat doesnt appreciate having a wet nose applied to his arsehole - possibly due to the Girl interfacing a spoon with it some years back.

For a while Boris dealt with his frustration by hiding at the top of the stairs for the Dog to appear and then clouting her as she rounded the corner.  However,  when some friends came round with their dog some weeks ago,  Boris decided enough was enough and buggered off.

Now,  the Girl has moved on somewhat from her early career as the first fully weaponised toddler and thrower of epic tantrums to a somewhat willful, but always kindly minder of small children and animal lover. She's a vegetarian, she's a member of the RSPB, the RSPCA, and she's sponsored a snow leopard to do a sponsored silence or something. She scowls at me when I eat bacon.

She also loves that cat. She loves it the way Donald Trump loves racism and misogyny. So when it fucked off she was distraught.

In times of strife the measure of a man is in how he conducts himself. So to set a good example, I continued to drink wine and watch football. Which I was selflessly doing in my daughter's honour when she came downstairs and handed me an envelope. On the front was written

Dear mum and Dad (drunk) from the Girl (a sad message)

Inside was a note...

"I love Borrie boy"

"The relashonshup me a Boris share" 

"I miss Boris"

I know you're now thinking the same thing as me; what an emotionally manipulative little bastard, right? I agree. And it worked. The Wife promptly went off down the street to find Boris was now living with an elderly family under the assumed name of "Charlie", like he was in the Witness Protection Programme. Since then he's had nothing but the best cat food, constant treats and the understanding that if he wants to sleep on my pillow all day, it doesn't matter how many times he pees on it.

I love cats.