Ess Eee Ex

I've not had the best day today. The Girl has been in a miserable mood all day, refusing to get out of the car when we got to my mum's house, yelling "No!" in response to everything that was said to her and generally giving me the stink eye the whole day. This came to a head when, whilst I was crouching down sweeping the fireplace, she put a cup of drink in my hood. I don't think she was being mean, I'm pretty sure she mistook me for a table. I didn't notice. I got juiced.

I could deal with all of that though. What was more of a struggle was the conversation with the Boy about girls (on to which I will come later). I'm not squeamish about sex, I should add, I just think its all a bit unhygienic and poorly thought through. I do, however, believe in telling the truth to my Kids and not hiding things from them. Which is why, one bath time when he was four, I had absolutely no idea how to answer

"Daddy... am I sexy?"

I defy you to find that in any parenting text. You see, that's why I'm here. Not to tell you how to deal with it. To tell you to expect it. Now naturally the immediate response is "No", however its not as straight forward as that. Aside from the fact that he doesn't actually know what sexy means, you don't want to hurt his feelings. I simply said "No to me Boy" and left it there. Quite frankly it doesn't do to even think about who would when he was four. So we'll move on from that.

Today's conversation went like this.

"I've got way more boyfriends than girlfriends."
"Er... what?"
"More of my friends are boys than girls. I've got about three girlfriends, but I've got a hundred boyfriends."

A hundred, at this point in his life, is the highest number possible.

"Right. You mean friends that are boys. That's normal, Boy. When I was your age most of my friends were boys."
"Yeah."

And here comes the mistake, dads. This is the point where I sought to amuse myself in the Boy's discomfort, and it backfired.

"But when I grew up I started to have more friends that were girls."
"What?? WHY???"
"Because I like girls. Er.. women. You'll learn when you get older. You'll want to kiss and cuddle them."
"WHAAAAT???? NO WAY! I'm only going to kiss and cuddle boys!"
"Ha ha ha... What?"
"I'm not kissing girls! I'm only going to kiss boys! Well... not kiss them. Maybe just cuddle."

I'm barely experienced enough at heterosexual sex to discuss it with the Kids (much, MUCH later in life) let alone homosexual sex. And yes, I know its not about sex as far as he's concerned. I'm not stupid. But when you have a conversation that goes like this

"Do you like Bill, daddy?"
"Yes. I do."
"Do you love him?"
"No. I like him."
"Do you want to worm him?"
"What does that mean???"

You can't help but worry a bit. And no, I never found out what "worm him" meant. After our conversation in the car I decided to switch subjects. Its best not to have him still talking about sex when he turns up at my mum's. She's still mentally dealing with a  misunderstanding from about a year ago.

"Next time I come to see you, nan, you can blow me."
"Yes, I... WHAT?"
"Like this."

And he blew her a kiss. Seriously thought she was going to have an aneurysm. He doesn't know what he's talking about, you say. He's just a boy, you say. Yeah. Ok. I'll leave the last word, as ever, to the Boy.

"I like Cbeebies. Daddy likes to see boobies!"