Pants on Fire

Which one of these is not a lie?

1. Genesis front man Phil Collins invented the Vienetta ice-cream whilst at catering college
2. Jehovah Witnesses do not believe in the moon because "it's pagan"
3. The name Samantha is derived from the Latin word for "aircraft"

Answers at the end of this blog.

I'm a big fan of recreational lying. Not for any malicious or sinister reasons, simply because its fun to see what you can get people to believe. This isn't to test the how gullible people are, I only lie to intelligent people. What I like to do is think of a ridiculous "fact" such as; "The reason the water goes down the plughole in the opposite direction south of the equator is because the bottom half of the Earth spins in the opposite direction to the top." I then deliver said "fact" with confidence and authority to see if perfectly intelligent, rational people will believe it. And they often do. I once had an entire department at work discussing the amazing fact that polar bear hair is actually black based on the fact that; "its really shiny and it reflects the snow." 

"What a card," you're thinking. I know. At work I'm something of a cult. At least, that's what it sounds like they say. Since I'm an appalling parent, I've taken to do this with the Kids. Only last night at bath time I told the Boy that there had been a mistake on his birth certificate and he had to be a girl from now on.

"For real?"

"Sorry, kiddo. Its true."

"But I've got short hair!"

"We're going to let it grow long and put you one of the Girl's dresses."

"That's stupid! It won't fit!"

I love his sense of priority there.

Watching the Boy learning to lie has been quite the eye opener. I'm thinking of getting a training grant from the government because, to put it mildly, he's rubbish at it. In fact, he only began lying once he started school. Previous to this he answered every question with total (and often comic) candidness.

"Boy? Why is the Girl crying?"

"I kicked her in the head."

This progressed to

"Why is the Girl crying?"

"I don't know."

"Did you kick her in the head?"

"Only once!"

Before finally getting to

"Why is the Girl crying?"

"Er..." (Long pause) "She fell?"

That is pretty much as sophisticated as it gets with the Boy. Even when he tries hard he quite often catches himself out.

"Did you eat my chocolate when I told you not to?"

"Er... noooooooooo."

"Why is your face covered in chocolate?"

"I ate your chocolate."

"You ate my chocolate?!?"

"No! I didn't!"

Regardless of how bad he is, I've decided to start a zero tolerance policy to any lying. (I'm nothing if not a hypocrite) and have come up with what I think is an excellent strategy. Naturally it relies on telling an OUTRAGEOUS lie yourself, but if I say so myself, I'm a genius. And because I'm a kind genius I'm going to share this with any parents out there.

The next time your son or daughter tells you a very obvious lie, stare intently into his or her right eye and say the following words; "Aha! I know you're lying! When you lie a little light comes on in  your eye!"  For at least a while after this they'll either not lie or cover their eyes when they do. Plus, its hilarious. Its the most fun I've had with the Kids since I tried to get them to high-five one afternoon. Kept them quiet of ages because they simply couldn't manage it. Although that did backfire a bit. Eventually the Boy accidentally slapped the Girl in the face. At that point she pushed him over and sank her teeth in his bum. I had to give her a good telling off. He never wipes properly.

The Girl hasn't learnt to lie yet. She needs to learn a lot more about the world. There's still a lot of things that she doesn't really understand. A point proved this morning by the following text I got from the Wife

Girl throwing Boy's shoes down the stairs and telling cat to fetch.

Answer to question above - It was a trick question. They're all true. Honest!