Smile!

Today I came downstairs to find the Girl packed an ready to go on a holiday. She was sitting by the front door, wearing a Peppa Pig rucksack and telling me she hoped it didn't rain. Bless.

I say bless, because we're not going on holiday. She just decided she was going. She'd clearly made the decision in a rush because she'd only packed a cuddly horse, her new camera and a takeaway menu. Self catering presumably.

As every year the Kids got a wide array of robots, horses, books, cars and death rays for Christmas. The blessing was that no one bought them any percussion instruments or crying babies. These are the gifts that truly keep on giving. The Boy got a drum kit a couple of years ago. It's a testament to my patience that it took eighteen months before I accidentally put my foot through it. Equally awful, when the Girl was a couple of months old someone bought her a baby that screamed when it was squeezed. Having not slept for two months because of the Girl screaming, this gift was as welcome as a cup of cold sick.

This year the Kids were bought toy digital cameras. For months the Boy has been filling my iPod up with a myriad pictures of either the fireplace, him sticking his tongue out or, disturbingly, my arse. So it seemed like a good idea. However, on the way to their Nan's house today the Boy kept taking pictures of the back my head and every time the flash went off I thought I'd gone through a speed trap. Annoying as this was, it was quite amusing when both of them papparatzied my mum on her doorstep and whilst she was dazzled, the Boy head butted her in the groin.

To the Boy a head butt to the fanacklepans is a whole new level of hilarious comparable with the physical comedy of Harold Lloyd. Nothing he likes more than to hear me say; "Not in the- OOF!!"

This is possibly because for two years he's been making up jokes that, on the whole, aren't funny and has now converted to slapstick. I'm not being harsh. I'm not. You spend two years being barraged with;

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"

"Because it was on fire!"

*Literally wets himself laughing*

Or

"Why did the pigeon fall out of the tree?"

"I don't know."

"Because it flew into a sign. Earlier, I mean. I should have said that bit first."

It drives you mental. In two years he's said two jokes that have made me laugh. And I'm being generous about the first one.

"Whats fat and sticky?"

"A fat stick!"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Me, stupid!"

The Girl, ever her own person, doesn't do jokes. She simply laughs, randomly and surprisingly aggressively. She once did this to me whilst I was dozing on the sofa. To compound matters she was holding the Boy's toy chainsaw. I made a noise you normally only hear when little girls have spiders thrown at them.

I tell a lie. The Girl has come up with one joke, which I shall leave you with. Please note, this is verbatim.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Say 'I don't know', mummy... SAY IT!"

"Er... I don't know, Girl."

"BECAUSE HE DID A MASSIVE BLOW OFF!"