Mr Fixit

I had to iron a firework display this morning.

When I woke the first thing I hear was the sound of the Boy crying. He was crying because he went to bed looking at a picture he'd drawn, fallen asleep, dribbled on it a bit, crumpled it up and tore it. Bless him, he was gutted. So, before I managed to get to work, before I'd even stepped into the shower, I found myself in the curious position of ironing a firework display so I could flatten it out and tape it back together. Unfortunately I hadn't figured out that the picture was drawn in crayon, and I succeeded in ironing a lovely firework display onto the ironing board. However, the picture was fine, I taped it back together and the Boy was happy again. And that's me. Super dad.

"My dad can fix anything. Except dead chickens."

I have glued bin lorries, sewn bridles back together, re-wired remote controlled cars and fixed clockwork crabs. Oh, and while I'm here I should say, NEVER buy your children clockwork crabs. Aside from the fact that they're slightly creepy, you'll undoubtedly find yourself in the situation where your child proudly says to a passer-by;

"My dad gave me crabs!"

It can lead to misunderstandings. Consider yourselves warned.

Anyway, what I'm saying here is that you spend a lot of time fixing badly made toys. The Boy is profoundly respectful of this, although he can be a tad sexist about it.

"Mummy fixed the car. Well. She asked a man to do it. She's just a girl."

If you're not fixing toys, you're putting them together. I have to say, when I was a Boy Lego was fairly straightforward. These days you have to have a masters in engineering just to put the little people together. Its a big moment in any Boy's life when he is faced with the fact that his dad isn't invincible. For the Boy this came distressingly early when I tried to put together a Lego camper van last year on his birthday. I don't exaggerate here when I say it took me nearly an hour to build it. I'm fairly sure neurosurgery is less demanding. It doesn't help when you find yourself being chastised by a four year old

"CONCENTRATE, daddy!"

I might just be the first person in history to build a Lego set with a hammer. Even so, the Boy and the Girl now think I'm the mechanic from the Octonauts. Nice enough, but not without issues.

"You're Tweak, daddy!"
"Er, yeah. Thanks Girl, but Tweak's a girl. I'm a man."
(Doubtfully) "Well... okaaay..."

However, the best bit of advice that I can give you is that there will always be something you can't fix.

"Dad, can you help me?"
"What?"
"I've got a cow stuck in my trousers."

And moreover dads, you're not in charge. Bear this in mind, I installed my bathroom and my kitchen. I can do plumbing, carpentry, electrics. Once I sharpened an axe and sprayed something with WD40 in the same hour - so I'm pretty much the urban Ray Mears. Or at least I was until...

"Dad, the Girl keeps telling me to shut up. She can't tell me to shut up. She's not the boss."
"That's right, Boy. And who is the boss?"
(Suddenly very serious) "Mummy is. Mummy's the boss."