Winkle

Possibly the most alarming thing I've ever been told is that male foetuses can have erections in utero. The Wife was pregnant with the Boy when I was told this and frankly I started praying for a girl so I didn't have to deal with that information. But we had a Boy, so now I use it to spoil other people's pregnancies. Its a bit like that video in the film "The Ring"...

Anyhow, one of the more squeamish aspects of being a new dad is dealing with the fact that your children are anatomically correct. Its safe to say I've done a good job at not looking at other people's genitals. For several years in my twenties I managed to avoid seeing the genitals of many, many women. As for winkles (this is the term we use in our household) - I try not to look at my own, let alone anyone else's. But then the Boy came along and ruined everything. Not just by having one, but by talking about it. Pretty much non-stop. This happens mostly around bath time and can range from the awkward

"You can't see my bum under the water." (Pause) "But you can see my winkle and the pointy end."

To the really awkward

"I can use my winkle as a magic lever that will lift you up."

To the galactically bizarre

"My winkle is going to get so big it'll break that window and knock over grandma's sofa!"

Especially impressive as grandma's house is about three miles from our place. And when  he's not tucking it in and yelling

"Daddy I'm a GIRL!"

Or turning it into an adjective

"I'm winkilicious!"

He's saying it by accident and giving me an aneurysm.

"Daddy I've drawn a monster with massive cock!"
"What????"
"Its how he tells the time!"

The fact of the matter, dads, is that you just have to get on with it. You can't clean a dirty nappy up without looking directly at it. Although I should warn you that when changing a dirty nappy, keep your mouth closed. Trust me, you'll thank me for that one the first time your baby boy pees in your face. And yes, it can go that high. He's knocked pictures off the wall in the past.

Fortunately the Boy has moved on to other subjects. This was partly thanks to the Girl who dissuaded him from gesticulating with his penis when she was about nine months old. I forget the context of what the Boy was saying, but whilst he was no doubt opining on the merits of his bits and pieces the Girl reached over, grabbed hold of it and attempted to pick it like an apple. The Boy didn't care for this. Determined  little blighter, the Girl. It took some effort to extricate him and he was walking like John Wayne for a week.