Weird

At university I studied psychology and was most interested in abnormal psychology (as it was called at the time) and child psychology. It wasn't until the Wife and I spawned that I realised they could have been combined in the same module. 'Cos kids is mental. I know they have a different perspective on things because everything is new (and because they see the world from a lower angle) but that doesn't explain the Girl randomly shouting

"My leg exploded!"

Which it clearly hadn't. It doesn't explain why the Boy said

"I wish I was a camel."

This was whilst we were reading a book about volcano's. Which was notable for its lack of reference to camels. Not that being a camel is his only aspiration. Once whilst watching television an advert for a well known furniture store came on and he smiled beatifically as he told me

"I'd like to live there with all those sofas."

And once he'd stop answering the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with

"Bigger."

He thought about it harder and realised that it wasn't weird enough and that he really wanted to be a sausage. We've already discussed the Girl inserting cutlery into our cat, but its worth noting again. A spoon. Up its arse. And it wasn't out of any sadistic pleasure, she's not like that. She did seem to exhibit some kind of grim satisfaction in a job well done. These days Boris loves the Girl, but in the week after the spoon-Boris interface he was understandably wary. In fact one afternoon he was asleep on the landing when the Girl asked me if she could play with him. I didn't get to answer because Boris - in a fraction of a second - went from asleep to hurling himself out of the window. Sadly for Boris, the window wasn't open and whilst concussed the Girl put a hat on him and covered him with a towel. She seemed to think it was the right thing to do.

They can't even be frightened of the right things. Whilst the Girl claims

"Reindeer scare me"

in the middle of June the Boy became terrified of

"Mooses! They're really scary and they chase me with wellies on their antlers."

And for once at dinner time I'd be grateful for a "I'm not hungry" rather than this

*Sigh* "I would eat my yoghurt, but I haven't got a tank to hold the yoghurt in my tummy with until it turns into poo."

A sophisticated argument, I'll grant you. Audacious even. Not particularly normal though. Another classic excuse is

"Can I have a kiss goodnight?"
"Nope. I've hurt my finger."

Meanwhile the Girl's getting her kicks on by standing in front of the chicken coop flashing the chickens whilst yelling

"Chickens! TUMMY!"

If its not just outright freaky statements such as

"What do you want to do today, Boy?"
"I'd like to shear sheep."

Its a complete misunderstanding of the principals of having an invisible friend.

"He's invisible because he can't see me."

Or jokes only the Boy understands

"Why did the elephant cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Because it was dead!" (Laughs maniacally)

I think some of it has to be due to children's television. I was thinking about a show that was on telly when I was a Boy called "Ludwig". I mean the show was called Ludwig. I've never been called Ludwig. Anyway, the show was ostensibly about a robotic egg being chased by a professor. By comparison, if you have twenty minutes, try watching "In the Night Garden" - it makes robotic eggs look fairly mundane. I'll admit that every time Mr Pontypine's moustache flies off and lands on his wife, I laugh so hard a lung comes up, but on the whole I've had nightmares that left me feeling warmer and fuzzier. Frankly, that ninky-nonk scares the bejesus out of me. Thomas the Tank Engine? Very sweet, until you get to the story where Gordon won't come out of a tunnel because his paint is dirty so the Fat Controller bricks him up forever. And when you look back on those cartoons we used to watch, you've got to wonder the messages they were sending. I mean, forget the inherent violence of Tom and Jerry - that's justifiable. Its funny. Instead think of Pepe-Le-Pew, which essentially implied that the French are foul smelling rapists. Or Speedy Gonzalez which makes you wonder if all Mexicans are actually off their tits on amphetamines. Even something as seemingly innocent as Chuggington is fraught with potential sexual content when you overhear the Boy singing the titles

"Chuuuugington... chugga chugga chugga Chuggington... VAJ QUEST!"
"Er... that's Badge Quest."

All I want is to come back from work, have a cup of tea and ask the Kids how their day was without

"Mummy called me a worm, and I don't like being called a worm so I told her I didn't like being called a worm but she took me upstairs and cut my legs off because worms don't have legs."
"Riiiiiight... But you still have legs."
(Looks down. Looks surprised)
"Oh. They grew back."

Let me leave you with this one. A conversation that I still don't really understand a year after it occurred.

"Hey! Who switch off the lights?"
"What? No one. The lights are still on, Boy."
"Oh. Oh yeah! Great!"