Big Day

Since its Mothers Day, my Kids came home from school with an assortment of crap that they'd made to show the Wife how much they love her. Nothing says "I love you" like a picture the Boy has drawn of himself playing football in the park and a legend that read

Tomum


lovefrom


BoyandGirl

Not one for spaces, my lad. As well as this, the Girl had made a heart shaped card, with bits of pink paper and glitter stuck to it. This did two things. Firstly it instantly adhered to the passenger seat of the car on the way home. Secondly it prompted everyone I've seen in the past two days to say to me; "You've got glitter on you."  In the same way that when you put TCP on a cut you have to endure six weeks of people sniffing and saying "You cut yourself?" The only person not to say this was the Girl, who alternately said

"You a lady!"

and

"Oooh... you preeeetty..."

in a very creepy way.

On top of it being Mothers Day, its also the nine year anniversary of the first date I had with the Wife and I remember it like it was nine years ago. I turned up in my tiny Nissan Micra, which was sort of like turning up in a pink tu-tu. I knocked on the door to discover her wearing a tracksuit (something I hate only slightly less than flip-flops. Weirdly this was the only time she wore a tracksuit) and had to convince myself not to fake a violent bout of diarrhoea. Fortunately I stayed and we had a romantic drink in a pub called the Pig and Whistle. She talked. A lot. We went back to her place. We discovered that we hated each other's taste in music.It was lovely. And in case you're wondering, no. I didn't put out. As the Girl says; I'm a lady.*

I was talking to the Boy and Girl about this as I drove them over to Grandma's house so I could rid myself of them for a while. They've been a nightmare this weekend

"Boy, this is the seventh time I've told you to put your clothes on! You're driving me insane!!"

(Girl, looking very confused) "You're not in Spain."

(Boy) "Gran comes from Spain."

"Not 'in Spain' - 'insane!' Gordon Bennett!"

"Who's Gordon Ben-?"

"GET IN THE CAR!!!"

Once I'd calmed down I got to talking to them about how I'd never really been happy until I met the Wife, and that she'd turned my life around. 

"I didn't really like myself before I met your Mum."
"I don't like myself."
(Concerned) "Really, Boy? Why not?"
"My winkle gets in the way of things."

I didn't enquire what "things" it was getting in the way of. Mine has never got in the way of anything, except for the occasional cricket ball, or knee. As often happens when the Boy speaks, there was an awkward silence. And as also often happens, this was broken by the Girl who yelled, quite aggressively

"Make a rainbow, daddy! MAKE A RAINBOW!"
"He can't, you berk!"
"Don't call your sister a berk!"
"Why, what does it mean?"

For those of you unaware, "berk" is cockney rhyming slang. The full phrase being "Berkeley Hunt" (I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions as to what it refers to. Safe to say, I didn't explain.

Gotta go, but before I do I feel compelled to mention that a friend of mine is getting married. So, Miss L, soon to be Mrs H - congratulations. I look forward to the day that your first child is born so that I can laugh at you. You've read this blog, its not like I haven't warned you.

*Some, all or none of this is actually true.