Lucky

I'm lucky enough to get home from work early enough to spend a couple of hours with the Kids. I say lucky, this was how my two hours went today.

On walking through the door I said hello to the Girl, who roundly ignored me. The Boy did say hello and then muttered at me from the other side of the house.

"Dad! Dad!" *mumbles*

"What?"

*mumbles*

"WHAT???"

"I wasn't talking to you."

"Who were you talking to? There's no one else in here."

"Er.... Me!" *mumbles then laughs maniacally*

Two minutes through the door and I was ready to go back to work. So I stalked upstairs in a fit of pique. The Girl followed me, jumped up and down on the bed whilst I got change and then, when I tickled her, kicked me firmly in the throat. This was not the first time I had been pole-axed by a three year old Girl, but it was one of the most painful.

Whilst I crawled on the floor gasping for air and clutching my throat the Girl jumped on my back and tried ride me like a horse. It took a few minutes for me to extricate myself from this state of affairs, and I only managed this by pretending to be dead.

I'm not proud of myself.

I went back downstairs, had the usual conversation with the Boy

"How was school?"

"Ooh. Er... Ah. Can't remember."

"What did you do today?"

"Can't remember."

*Sigh* "What's my name?"

"Mummy."

whilst the Wife snuck off to the Boy's open evening (a paltry excuse for abandoning me to the whims of my Kids). I cooked dinner, which for once they ate without the usual food throwing, crying and occasional soiled underwear (the Girl, not me. Well, sometimes me but only six, maybe seven times.)

I passed on giving them a bath, since the day before they'd insisted on having a shower. The net result of this shower was; I got soaked, it used more water than the bath, the Boy blinded himself with shampoo and the Girl would only allow her bum to get wet. As such I moved straight to books and bed time. Now that the Boy is more confident with his reading he likes to read books to the Girl and myself. This does not always go without a hitch. Tonight's moment of crisis was this;

"Hungry fox falls in the box. Look out fox! There's cum on your snout."

Brilliantly I reacted to this by yelling

"Not cum! Cream!"

Which I'm sure you'll agree was exactly the right thing to do. Having negotiated that particular minefield I got the Kids to brush their teeth. Or in the Boy's case his nose. Then off to bed and that was when the Girl slammed the anchors on. First she refused, then started yelling "No" over and over until eventually the Wife had to intercede.

"If you don't go to bed you won't be able to go to Grandma's party tomorrow."

"Don't care."

"Ok... What should I do to tell you off for not going to bed?"

*Thinks for a moment* "Kill Boris?"

I'll be honest, I was on her side there. I hate that cat.